Together
by Rizzy.and.Izzy
Summary: Set about a month after the incident with Dominick, and how that triggers memories of Hoyt. Maura helps Jane get over this. A sort of reimagining of what happened at the end of 3x07. Jane's POV. One-shot.


_sociallyawkwardpenguin rocks my world. Yes, she does, bless her heart. :D_

_Rated M for the usual stuff, but this story also touches on the violence of Jane's past. I tried not to make it anything too bad. But letting you know anyway._

_This takes place about a month after Dominick. Read the summary above for a bit more information. :)_

* * *

You open your eyes without too much effort. You don't hear the alarm, so you think it's still pretty early. You yawn, so it must be. This might just be the first time you've woken up before Maura. Taking full advantage of this, you hold her tighter to you and let her warmth hold you just as tightly in return. You take this time to go over what happened last night, knowing the missing pieces will fill in the longer you stay awake. Your first cup of coffee hopefully making the final pieces complete.

As you lie here with her, the rest of the world so silent you can almost convince yourself it doesn't exist, you vow to get up early more often. If you can have this time with her every morning, it will be worth it. The only thing you can hear is her breathing. The only thing you can feel is her all around you, in every part of you, on every part of you. Waking up early isn't your first vow to her. The first vow you made is to always love her. This she knows. The second vow is to never keep anything from her. Most importantly yourself. You will not knowingly, consciously or purposefully keep any part of yourself from her. You never explicitly told her this, but you're sure she knows. Even though she hates guessing, you know that this is more of a fact than a guess anyway. Waking up early isn't your third vow to her, either. There have been many inbetween those first two and this one now. You will keep every vow you've made to her, and all others you will make to her. A vow you make to Maura, even if she doesn't entirely know you've made it, is something you will do everything in your power to keep.

It's because of your first two vows, that you had to do what you did last night. After the incident with Dominick happened, you were starting to hold yourself back from her. It took you a while to fully realize that you were slowly closing yourself off to her, doing exactly that which you vowed to yourself you wouldn't do. It all got worse when you had the nightmare about Hoyt last week. It was the first one in quite a while. Even though Hoyt has been gone for some time, the similarities with Dominick must have triggered him in your memory. It brought all these feelings to the forefront again, fears that you thought you had conquered. You barely avoided being a martyr then, you're not going to become one now. You know in order to finally give up the ghost you need to replicate this, and with Maura. Only with Maura. It's only with her that this just might work. This is what you said. Something about positive immersion is what Maura said. This was her idea, pretty much. You told her about the nightmare and she said you have to face it head on. You know she'll want to talk about it all with you as soon as she gets up. You relish this silence you have with her now. You wrap your arm around her a little tighter and kiss her forehead. Looking up at the ceiling, you let what you can remember from last night play out in your mind...

...

You're lying on your back, taking measured, deep breaths. You've been on the bed like this for a few minutes now and you're starting to feel more relaxed. You think you're ready. You turn your head to the left and lock eyes with Maura. Only when you look at her will any of this begin. You bring your arms up on both sides and keep them there for her. She takes the hand offered to her, and starts to tie your left wrist to the bedpost. The scarf gets tighter. The force needed to keep your arm up gets lesser. The scarf is doing it for you now. You let your arm go lax. It stays up. You move your hand, it doesn't give. This is okay. This is what you want to do, what you need to do.

Maura takes the other scarf from the nightstand and starts to move to the other side of the bed, ready to do the same with your right hand. No. Wait. This is suddenly not okay. This is all too familiar. This is too much like what Dominick did, and what Hoyt did before him. You tense your arms and try not to flinch. She notices instantly. She walks back to your left side. She knows you, knows what you need even when you can't speak, she always has. She moves slow, wary of startling you. She expertly unties the scarf, and puts both of them back onto the nightstand. You bring both your arms back down and across your chest. It only takes a few seconds, but you feel like you can breathe again. You don't know what happened. You thought you had psyched yourself up enough so that this wouldn't happen. You know you have to do this, or it'll just get worse. You don't like talking about it, as if you could, but you both know this is not about sex. It's about that which is almost too terrifying to mention. It's all those things that keep you up at night. All those things that as much as you wish could be, cannot be avoided. You remember what Maura said, sometimes things have to be done the hard way. You convince yourself, give yourself that final extra push. You have to do this. If you don't, it'll just get worse. Quietly but assuringly she states, "We do not have to do this." You don't know what to say, how to say it. Wanting to be closer to you, Maura sits nearer to you on the bed. You take her hands in yours and rest them upon your chest.

The more you think about it, the more you can understand it. Allowing yourself a bit more distance from the situation, even though you're still fully in it, you can see what it is you're trying to do. You and her, here and now, is the furthest thing from what it was like with Dominick, with Hoyt. They tied you up because they wanted to, they only wanted to take from you. Maura is doing this with you, because she wants to help you. She wants to give to you, not take from you. She's doing this with you, for you. This is something she needs to understand too. She needs to know that you are here and not still there. Not still the woman she saw on the screen handcuffed to the bed by Dominick. Not still the woman in zip-ties in the prison hospital with Hoyt. She needs to know that she's no longer in zip-ties, either. That you're both no longer still there.

Her hands are still in yours, resting upon your chest. You both squeeze each other's fingers a little tighter. Neither of you say much during moments like this, but you don't have to. You can feel it in your soul, that this time is different. This time, it's on your terms. Maura, with her wide eyes staring right at you, reflecting back more care and understanding and love than you've ever seen before. More than you ever thought could still exist in the world. She wants to do this with you, for you. As much as it might put her out of her comfort zone too, she loves you and can see how this would help you. It's because you are choosing to do this, asking to do this, wanting to do this, that you now know you can do this. You keep looking at each other and there is no other truth but you and her, and the fact that you know she will never hurt you. You still want to do this with her. You both need to do this with each other.

As you've been going over all this in your head, your hands have intertwined with hers, still on your chest. Seemingly in an unending criss-cross of fingers. You know what to do now. "Closer". She moves even closer to you. She doesn't understand. You don't either, not entirely. You try again. After a pause, you regroup and say "I need my hands closer together." This is not something you'll ever be able to say, to explain. Words have a habit of failing you just when you need them the most. You need to show her. Raising both of your arms above and slightly behind your head, criss-crossing them at the wrist, you lean them against the bar of the headboard. If you can't hold her, or touch any part of her during all of this, you at least need to be able to hold yourself. Ground yourself with yourself. Reminding you where you are, who you're with and what you're doing. If this goes badly, that is. But you don't think it will, because you've made this motion, this effort unabated by her. Raising your hands and crossing your wrists. You've given this gift to her of your own volition. Recognizing the fact that you know she will never hurt you. She moves almost impossibly closer to you. She looks like she would jump right into you if she could. She studies your face, and looks at you with a stronger determination. You still want to do this. She still wants to do this. You will be doing this together.

She takes only one scarf from the nightstand this time. She lifts herself up ever so slightly. You can hear her take a deep breath. Cautiously, she takes her hand and lightly wraps it around both your wrists, in the same manner she'll end up tying them. She looks to you one more time so she can make sure you're sure. You give her a nod and your signature sideways grin. She loves your smirk. She gives you her own little trademark smile. When she does this, you can see yourself 50 years into the future, and she's giving you that exact same smile.

With the scarf in her hands, she starts wrapping it around your wrists. Now that you're really relaxed this time, you can finally see the kind of scarf it is. It's the shiny, colorful Hermes one that you always notice when she wears. She is nothing if not perceptive. You keep your hands and fingers up so it's easier for her to do this. She decides to kiss each finger, each finger tip for a full second. Ten seconds later and you've fallen in love with her all over again. While your mind is on her kisses, she securely fastens the scarf, connecting you to the headboard and to yourself if you need it. Giving you that control should you seek it. You notice she also checks your pulse. You're ready to do this. If any shred of doubt existed before this, and you both know it did, it's less than a speck now.

She lowers herself back down onto the bed. She unconsciously clasps her hands together on her lap the same way yours are clasped, and now bound above you on the headboard. There is another pause, slightly longer than the first time. Now this is her time to take a second. She has to get ready to do this. You give her that time. You always do. Since you are sure you are ready now, you move your hip to lightly graze hers. She comes back to you, looks you in the eye. She's ready to do this now too, you both are. You both love each other and in your own way, you both need to do this.

...

You can feel her all around you, her body almost mirroring your own. Her thighs on yours, her hips, her stomach, her breasts on yours. Her face is beside yours, her lips brush by your neck in an upward motion. She gets closer to your ear now. Whispers a bit firmer to you now. "Come on, Jane. I want to hear you." She lifts her thumb off your clit and removes her fingers from inside you. She's only touching you now with the tip of her index and middle fingers, stroking around your center, rubbing up and down your folds. Outside and away from all the places you want her to be.

She slows down again now. Speaks with more determination now. "Come on. I want to hear you, Jane." It's not like you mean to keep quiet. Always perceptive, Maura notices you tend to be more quiet when you're trying to maintain your hold on a situation. But you know tonight is about letting go of that hold. You groan in frustration. She moves a little quicker, presses a little harder, still not where you want her to though. You groan again. She moves quicker, presses harder. She's just as frustrated as you now, and will take whatever she can get. If any kind of a noise is what she's asking from you, you will give that to her. She continues doing what she's doing, as close to teasing as it gets, until you really are too frustrated to keep silent anymore. Your groans go from grunting, to pleading. But she doesn't want to hear your pleading. She doesn't want to hear your sounds of frustration. She wants to hear your sounds of pleasure, your sounds of desire. She wants you on the edge, and finally falling over it. She wants you tied up, and enjoying every last second of it. She wants the thought of you holding yourself back, of when anyone held you back, to be the last thing on your mind. She wants you to finally let it all go.

...

You can't tell what she's doing to you now. You can't really be sure. Your eyes are shut and you don't know what's real or what's imagined. It's not a flying, floating, letting go of everything feeling. It's not a falling, sinking, drowning type of thing either. In your mind you're holding her so close, but you know you haven't moved. You know your hands are still bound and you know you're okay with this. You can't remember when she switched from her hands and her fingers, to her mouth and her tongue. But at this moment it doesn't really matter much anyway.

Still tied to the headboard, and more than just okay with it now, she has her head between your legs and that is all you're focusing on. You can't use your hands to move her, to guide her to the exact angle you want her. You can't even run your hands through her hair. Hair that feels like what clouds must feel like. So you do what she's been asking of you to do all night. You let her hear you. You tell her where to go, how long to stay there. _Harder_, _faster_, _deeper_. Just plain _mor_e. Following your instructions she brings you, coaxes you, nudges you towards orgasm. You'll fall over that edge tonight all right.

Your hands, so far away from her, yet desperately trying to touch her. As if sheer force of will is possible to move her to you. You want to melt into her, you want to absorb her into every part of you. You want to feel her, but right now you can't even see her. Your head is back, your eyes are closed. Fuck, you're close. You are one second away from being nowhere and everywhere all at once. Nothing and everything all together. Maura could be a world away from you right now, but it feels like she's right beside your heart. She's the only person you've ever shared this part of yourself with. All these things are swirling around in your head. All these things are going on around you and inside you. Damn, you're starting to sound like a hippie. But you can't stop yourself. You can't stop all these feelings and all these emotions. You realize you don't want to, either. You never want to censor yourself with her again, especially since you know you had started to. This is what this night is for. You keep your vow. You will not hide any part of yourself from her again. Whatever you feel, you will tell her. If this makes you one of those women that cries during sex, so be it. It won't be embarrassing if it's with Maura. And who knows, she may just flash you that smile of hers again.

You can't believe you're thinking all these random things right now. You try to decide if it's only been a couple of minutes or a couple of hours, when suddenly all time stops. Everything goes black and your mind goes blank. Auto-pilot takes over and involuntary actions are all you are. You breathe out half a gasp, and you come. Because of her. You come for her. For Maura, and for yourself. More fully, more freely and more deeply than you ever have before. You finally just let it all go. You're no longer holding on to anything anymore and there is no one holding you back.

You know why you use this word, why it's your favorite. You know why it's not vile nor vulgar. Why Maura doesn't seem to mind it in the bedroom, actually you know she loves it. You say it and she damn near loses it. Because it is to her that you're coming to. Coming home to, coming back to. She can find you in whatever part of the universe you're lost in. Whatever part of your mind you're hidden in. She finds you wherever you are, drags you out of there and brings you back home. There's never been anyone else like her before, and if you have your way, there won't be anyone else after her either. She's the only person you want to be with. The only person you want to share all of yourself with, forever. This, is your most important vow. And this, you will make sure she knows.

...

And this is why, when you wake up, the first thing you do is yawn. You went through a lot last night. You both did. You look over to her and you never want to look away. She is an almost insatiable ache deep within you, in everything you do. All of you is crying out for all of her. At all times. While walking, talking, thinking, eating. And especially sleeping. You need to see that smile of hers in your dreams all night long. You need her to be the first thing you see when you wake up. Deep within your bones you need her. At no point will you ever get enough of this woman.

You still can't believe that you woke up before her though, and that she's still so fast asleep. It's so unlike either of you. You look over at the clock, maybe that'll tell you something. 3:35 AM. That explains it. No wonder last night is still a bit of a blur. Maura would probably say it has something to do with needing time to process everything. All you know is that you're glad last night happened, you can already sense something inside of you shifting towards healing. You know Maura will want to talk about this ad nauseam when she wakes up. Although she was right about doing what you did last night, so maybe she'll be right about needing to talk about it in the morning, too. You're pretty sure you'll be able to say a few things you couldn't before, so you might as well indulge her. Especially if it'll bring out that smile you love so much. You chuckle softly and hold her even closer to you.

Not all vows are easy to keep. But they are all still worth making.

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_I'd really love to know what you thought about this. Good, bad, ugly. Just deliver it with kindness. :)_


End file.
